The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin
From a Parent’s Perspective
Stage 8 | Healing
Healing comes in all sizes and shapes, and moving forward with life and becoming unstuck, is essential. Healing can begin with writing, therapy, exercise, or workshops. Breathing retreats can help. Seminars on Living a Miraculous Life can help. Spiritual vacations can help. Here is where hope may enter the picture. This is to be considered cautiously. Not necessarily hope for reconciliation, although that may very well occur. It is hope for what the future might hold. Hope may also be a necessary component for coping. Parents cope in different ways. Whatever helps heal a parent from estrangement is worth doing. It is essential to heal “enough” so that life can move forward. To become “unstuck.” To start living again with purpose and with thinking differently.
I am finally able to speak about the estrangement without breaking down. I am making progress! I am spending time with the people who want me in their lives. I’m concentrating on my extended family. I have a lot of love to give, and I am so grateful I can share my love with those who see the value in me.
A parent’s perspective
This is the phase where a parent will practice self-control and where self-empowerment begins to flourish. Parents may start their day with a meaningful mantra, prayer, or other mindful practice. It is a time to try new hobbies, activities and new circles of friends. Expanding horizons and being open to conversations will start to occur. No matter how healing occurs, there is nothing more important than for a parent to be their best authentic self.
It is the author’s opinion that complete healing of oneself is not possible. Hearts will begin to mend when forgiveness occurs because it is part of the healing process.
Forgiveness of parents.
Forgiveness of personal trauma.
Forgiveness of children’s behavior.
Forgiveness of the who’s, what’s, and why’s of the estrangement.
Complete healing is impossible. So, what is next? Healing as best as possible so one can appreciate the simple joys of life.
From a Child’s Perspective
Stage 8 | Healing
This is the stage where the child accepts estrangement as part of life. The child begins to heal when they find others who have similar situations. They find a tribe that supports estrangement.
I have finally accepted that my parents are no longer my parents. As far as I am concerned, I have no parents. My friends’ parents are much more respectful, accepting, tolerant, and kind. They do not have high expectations nor drone on and on about the past. My friends’ parents are drama free, and I like that.
A child’s perspective
The beginning of this stage is very vulnerable for children. They are at a tittering juncture, wondering if they made the right choice. There is deep reflection, and they question their original thinking. This is when about 20% of estranged children reach out to reconcile with their parents. Those who accept their circumstances or what they are might seek further counseling for their healing journey.
It is the author’s opinion that complete healing of oneself is not possible. Hearts will begin to mend when forgiveness occurs because it is part of the healing process.
Forgiveness of parents.
Forgiveness of parent’s trauma.
Forgiveness of parent’s behavior.
Forgiveness of the who’s, what’s, and why’s of the estrangement.
Complete healing is impossible. So, what is next? Healing as best as possible so one can appreciate the simple joys of life.
Author’s Note: Estrangement caused me to feel unloved, and I knew I needed to love and respect myself before I could love others again. From my experience in participating in support groups with other estranged parents, there is a choice to make. You can choose to blame, distrust, and be bitter. Or, you can choose to love and heal yourself, from this incredibly harrowing experience, by opening up to others. It’s up to you. A special thank you to Kathryn Kollowa, EdD, MSN, RN, for her feedback and added insights incorporated in this most recent update.
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