Mothers & Parenting – Page 2 – IandThouReflections

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 6

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2 Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality
Lesson #4: Sometimes, it is Important to Break Protocol
Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for What it is Can be Good for the Soul

Lesson #6: Sometimes, it is Not the Words…
But the Way We Say Them that
Matters Most

The Eloquent Speaker

There is no doubt that Queen Elizabeth was an eloquent speaker. Sure, she had writers to write her speeches. Yet, her delivery was always on point. Her speeches started with a hook and were quite engaging. They were direct and pleasant to hear. She spoke with dignity and gentle softness, even when delivering bad news.

Practice Makes Perfect

Queen Elizabeth gave her first speech, the “Windsor Speech,” in 1940 when she was a princess. At Winston Churchill’s suggestion, the 14-year-old Elizabeth spent weeks practicing this radio address, whose purpose was to comfort young children sent away from their homes during World War II and, more subtly, to charm America into supporting the fight against the Nazis. According to news sources, the speech boosted the morale of the younger generation and won the support of their United States ally as well.

Hope for the World

In Queen Elizabeth’s first official speech on the evening of her Coronation in 1953, she offered hope. She did not speak of the monarchy’s power but instead of her confidence about the future. It uplifted the world, as many of her public addresses did, as they highlighted the themes of hope and her devotion to serving the people. She came across as a strong yet humble leader.

The Stiff Upper Lip

Queen Elizabeth’s relationship with Diana was mediocre at best. Queen Elizabeth was no model mother-in-law. She took the same approach to Princess Diana as to her own children. One of distance and limited involvement. When Diana asked for mental health treatment, she was denied. After all, what would the public think of a royal who couldn’t solve problems with a stiff upper lip?

The Cold Fish Starts to Thaw

When Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident, all hell broke out at Buckingham Palace. What exactly was the protocol for mourning and the funeral of an ex-wife of a Prince? There wasn’t one. Decisions about these things would have to be made post-haste. One thing was clear, the Queen had shifted into overdrive and did everything she could to help her grandsons process the tragedy in their own way and time.

Queen Elizabeth delayed speaking to the public about Princess Diana’s death. Perhaps she was taking time to process it all. At some point, she realized the necessity of delivering a formal announcement after the enormous outpouring of sympathy. Her tribute to Princess Diana displayed considerable warmth and kindness. It seemed more maternal than usual. Her tone was hopeful, trusting, and uplifting. Her delivery was heartfelt and compassionate. Even through the pain of grief, she felt for her grandsons losing their mother, she stood tall and strong.

Reflections

Contemplating the Queen’s speeches, I offer my thoughts. Queen Elizabeth represents a long line of royalty that dates back centuries. I admired her because she was anointed Queen and held the official title of “Defender of the Faith” by the Church of England. It was this mysterious religious anointing that captivated me.

Queen Elizabeth was clearly rough around the maternal edges. I don’t think “mothering” was instinctual for her, nor was it something she wanted to perfect. It almost seemed beneath her. Which left me perplexed. As there is no more noble duty than motherhood. Yet, by and large, she left the “mothering” to nannies and other royal assistants. However, once she had grandchildren, Queen Elizabeth seemed to reflect a sense of guilt or sadness about the “mothering” she had failed to offer her own children. Yet over time, Queen Elizabeth’s words and actions became more maternal as the number of her grandchildren grew. Softer. More refined and refreshingly warmer. The cold fish was finally beginning to thaw out.

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow.
(This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.)

Thanks so much for your support!

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 5

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality
Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol

Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for What it is Can be Good for the Soul

Divorce Times Two

Camilla and Andrew’s marriage ended in 1995. The Prince and Princess of Wales’s union officially ended in 1996. As in most families of divorce, it is most difficult on the children. Camilla’s children, a son and a daughter were a bit older at 17 and 20, and hopefully, they weathered it as best they could. Divorce is never easy on children, no matter what their age. Prince William was 14, and Prince Harry was 11. A very rough period for boys in an intact family, let alone a divorced one. Not to mention the under-the-microscope life they live for the world to see. When you think of it, Diana’s death one year later, in 1997, would be enough to throw anyone off the train tracks. That was an enormous amount of loss and stress.

Charles & Camilla…Finally!

These two divorces cleared the way for Prince Charles to finally be with Camilla, the woman he had loved all along. It was no surprise that Prince Charles would marry Camilla with or without the Queen’s blessing. They wed in 2005.

The Blended Family

By then, Prince William was 23, and Prince Harry was 21. It is easy to imagine the two young men emotionally carrying the burdens of being in a broken family.

The twenties are a time of “dynamic shifts for a young man,” per Susan Winter. She continues, “His whole world is opening up, and therefore, he’s unsettled.”
Men’s Ages: What to Expect Throughout His 20’s – Susan Winter.

Blended families require extra patience and understanding. And a bit of family therapy too! Does love win? Maybe, maybe not. In the case of Prince Charles, his love for Diana lessened as his love for Camilla grew as time marched on. We know that his love for Camilla endured the test of time.

Love

So, you see, my kind, gentle readers, love plays a significant role in our lives. It helps us to be better people. A lesson we can all learn from Queen Elizabeth is her acceptance of Prince Charles and Camilla. If Queen Elizabeth can go from calling Camilla the “wicked woman” to the “Queen Consort,” reconciliations are in the realm of possibilities for you too!

After decades of scandal, Queen Elizabeth seemed to apologize to Camilla by appointing her as the Royal Lady of the Most Noble Order of the Garter. Yes, it was quite a reversal – wouldn’t you say? Perhaps it was Queen Elizabeth’s way of saying that she was accepting Camilla for the woman she was and that she was a woman who loved her son. In the case of Charles and Camilla, love won. But sometimes, there is a high price to pay for it.

Love with all your heart.

Value your relationships…they are worth more than gold and can be sweeter than chocolate.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow.
(This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.)

Thanks so much for your support!

I and Thou: Enduring Love

Help me to understand what will open an adult child’s heart,
To a mother who loves from the bottom of hers.

Enduring Love

Inhale, exhale, breathe
Radiant, brilliant, love…
Angelic, darling, blessing
Heartwarming, tender, love…
Soft, innocent, canvas
Soaking, smothering, love…
Tantrums, reasoning, scolding
Defiance, anger, love…
One sided, myopic, headstrong
Dagger, piercing, love…
Words, spoken, unspoken
Heartbroken, apologetic, love…
Emotions, escalating, uncontrollable
Turmoil, conflict, love…
Exposure, external, culture
Influential, distant, love…
Literal, physical, separation
Wretched, incomplete, love…
Conjectures, puzzles, confusion
Murky, respectful, love…
Reflections, introspection, self-identity
Safety, security, love…
Vulnerable, open, inviting
Reparations, acceptance, love…
Changing, growing, maturing
Compassionate, enduring, love.

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow.
(This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.
Thanks so much for your support!)

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 4

To recap:

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality

This brings us to the next lesson.

Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol

Divorce

Two children and eleven years later, the famous royal couple, Charles and Diana, separated in 1992 and officially divorced in 1996. After the divorce, their relationship seemed to be less ruffled. After all, they had 50/50 custody of their children, and for the sake of the children, they each tried to do better. By this time, Diana had more or less accepted the inevitable: the relationship between Camilla and Charles was there to stay.

Death and Conundrums

One year later, Princess Diana left this earth in a tragic auto accident outside Paris. This was where it got wonky. Was there a protocol for this situation? Would she be treated as a royal member of the family? Or not? Queen Elizabeth was silent. The “institution” was quiet. There was no official announcement for five days. The public was outraged. How could this be?

Let’s set the stage.

Princess Diana, no longer a wife to Charles, was in France.
Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, and the boys, William and Harry, were vacationing at Balmoral Castle in Scotland.
The “institution” was in England.

So, to start with, the deadly news was shocking. Shocking to the royal family. Shocking to the rest of the world. Because the public admired Diana’s resilience, honesty, and relatability, many loved her, and the tragic impact was felt around the globe.

Royals are Human Too

The royal family did what most families would do under these circumstances. They came together in solidarity to make the necessary arrangements, which were a bit fuzzy. First, there was the logistical nightmare of where all the key players were at the time of the accident, as cited above. Second, Princess Diana was no longer a member of the royal family. Or was she? She was undoubtedly the mother of the future King of England and Prince Harry. Thirdly, there were high expectations of a royal funeral. After all, she was still the People’s Princess.

Diana’s Funeral & Broken Protocol

As the world began to mourn Diana’s death, it became apparent that a private funeral would not suffice.

A spokeswoman for the palace told reporters, “This is a unique funeral for a unique person.”
The Untold Truth Of Princess Diana’s Funeral (grunge.com)

Queen Elizabeth supported a private ceremony, while Prince Charles and Diana’s brother encouraged having a more significant event. We will never know why the Queen thought what she did. But by allowing the elaborate funeral procession, the Queen clearly said something without saying a word. (She broke protocol.) Queen Elizabeth also ordered the Union Flag to be flown at half-staff, another break from protocol. It was her way of, an apology of sorts. Perhaps from a mother-in-law who may not have responded as lovingly and kindly as she should have or may have even wanted to. Her bowing at the casket was a sincere tribute to Diana’s legacy.

Granny Elizabeth

After Diana’s death, Queen Elizabeth seamlessly stepped more concretely into her grandmother’s role. A role she grew fond of as the years went on. She was the boys’ rock and was instrumental in their grief journey.

Diana’s Legacy

Princess Diana, beautiful and graceful as she was, was human too. With her battle with bulimia, self-injury, and feelings of worthlessness, she brought a “freshness” to the monarchy as she became known as the “relatable” princess. With courage and bravery, she prioritized her mental health and sought help. Her actions brought significant awareness to mental health.

But what is often forgotten is that Diana was also a paradox: under the magnificently poised image she presented to the world, she struggled with bulimia, self-injury, and lingering feelings of worthlessness.
Princess Diana’s Legacy on Mental Health, Eating Disorders | Time

She did indeed relate to the public. She brought attention to so many issues. Her quiet yet charismatic personality charmed the world. Princess Diana’s life and death were tragic. The media responded with relentlessness, and the world responded with love.

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 2

In a nutshell, the takeaway message from my previous post, “Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth, Part 1,” was this: duty and love rarely mix well. We looked at duty and love specifically through the eyes of the Church – between the Queen and her sister Margaret and her son Prince Charles. In both instances, all parties chose duty over love. In accordance with prevailing church doctrine, Queen Elizabeth denied her sister’s request to marry the divorced Mr. Townsend. And decades later, Queen Elizabeth dissuaded Prince Charles from pursuing Camilla.

In Part 2, we will see how love and this sense of duty became increasingly muddled as time passed. We go back to the early 1970s, when Queen Elizabeth’s son, Prince Charles, fell in love with Camilla. Although Charles was smitten with Camilla, his family disapproved. And the Queen made it quite clear that Camilla didn’t fit the mold for Prince Charles.

Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
[Even if she IS the Queen]

Love and Worthiness

Most of us are familiar with the love affair of Camilla and Prince Charles. Meeting in 1971, it was widely reported that they had fallen head over heels for each. However, from the very start, this relationship would prove to be problematic. According to a book by Penny Junor, The Duchess: Camilla Parker Bowles and the Love Affair That Rocked the Crown, Camilla was not “perceived as aristocratic enough to be a princess.” Perhaps Queen Elizabeth didn’t think so either.

So, why was it so crucial for Queen Elizabeth to have a more “suitable” daughter-in-law? No one will know for sure, yet one can surmise it was due to the public’s perception that Camilla wasn’t “good enough.” In other words, this potential spouse of the prince would not be a positive role model. Would the future princess have what it took to be a royal? The Queen and many others no doubt didn’t think so.

Credit: Abstract Art by Maren Devine on Etsy.com

Questions to Ask

What does it mean to be “good enough?”

What does it mean to be a positive role model?

What does it mean to be a suitable wife to a future king?

In Proverbs 31, characteristics of a godly woman include lacking nothing of value, opening her arms to the poor, exhibiting dignity and strength, and speaking with wisdom. No one would argue that it would take a unique, powerful woman to hold such a public office. The potential princess must have a sound mind and a sense of duty to the monarchy and her husband.

Back to Queen Elizabeth. No one would argue that the Queen put duty first. Clearly, she did not see Camilla as a suitable wife for Charles. And consequently, she did what she could to derail the Camilla and Charles romance. Had the Queen minded her own business, Camilla could have very well been Prince Charles’ first and only wife. For him, it was a matter of love. For his mother, it was a matter of duty to the monarchy, the Church of England, and its traditions.

If you enjoyed this, please remember to Share, Like, and Follow.
Thanks so much for your support!

I and Thou: You Are Worthy!

You Are Worthy!

You are worthy of unconditional love.
You are worthy of self-identity.
You are worthy of self-esteem.
You are worthy of self-confidence.
You are worthy of clarity.
You are worthy of independence.
You are worthy of connection.
You are worthy of friendships.
You are worthy of parental love.
You are worthy of motherly love.
You are worthy of fatherly love.
You are worthy of spiritual love.
You are worthy of protection.
You are worthy to live in peace and not fear.
You are worthy of loving communication.
You are worthy of kind words.
You are worthy of unconditional love.
You are worthy of love from a child…

And so am I.

Image Credit: https://test.adultchildren.org/literature/aca-is/

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow.
(This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.
Thanks so much for your support!)

I and Thou: Guitars, Sand, Surf & Kids

Guitars, Sand, Surf

Nursery school, pre-school, kindergarten,
Playing dress-up, building blocks, and learning to read.
Kids Kamp, pre-cherub, t-ball,
Singing, crafting, and swinging a bat.
…Mothers loving arms cradle.

First grade, second grade, third grade,
Reading, writing, and more writing.
Cub scouts, choir, Tai Kwon Do,
Pinewood derbies, musicals, and orange belts.
…Mothers loving arms cuddle.

Fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade,
Science conventions, school plays, and cell phones.
Bike parades, circus tents, fireworks,
Summers swimming in lakes and pools.
…Mothers loving arms snuggle.

Seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade,
Smart mouths spewing bratty words.
Clarinets, guitars, trombones,
Sitting on stage and playing so proudly.
…Mothers loving arms grow weary.

Tenth grade, eleventh grade, twelfth grade,
Internalizing questions not ready to ask.
Tennis lessons, football, and lacrosse,
Scoring a touchdown, goal, or 15-love.
…Mothers loving arms start separating.

Red robe, mortar, tassel,
Processing to pomp and circumstance.
Protecting, guiding, parental role,
Unfair situation hoisted upon.
…Mothers loving arms feel empty.

Glimpses, shadows, silence,
Gradually disappearing from plain view.
Suitcase, car, gasoline,
Interstate highways across the country.
…Mothers loving arms love from afar.

Apartment, condo, house,
No known address to be found.
Sand, pebbles, white beaches,
Relocation destination miles and miles due west.
…Mothers loving arms feel forgotten.

Surfing, kayaking, lifeguarding,
Commanding waters to abide.
Instructing, directing, tutoring,
Strategically working to earn a degree.
…Mothers loving arms feel so helpless.

Black robe, mortar, royal blue sash,
Graduating livestream with purple Lai.
Congratulating, celebrating, handshaking,
Proud parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
…Mothers loving arms clap so loudly.

Holidays, birthdays, special events,
A seat empty and waiting to be filled.
Cheering, shouting, echoing,
Come back, come back. We miss you so.
…Mothers loving arms open wide.

Doors open, gifts waiting, keeping watch,
All hands-on deck for arrival.
Excitedly, gathering, anticipating,
Patiently waiting for return.
…Mothers loving arms extend further.

Harry Potter, Pokemon, laser tag,
Birthdays celebrated in movie theaters and fun places.
Red belt, brown belt, black belt,
Memories of yesteryear.
…Mothers loving arms holding a camera to commemorate occasions.

Living, accepting, healing,
Life is rapidly speeding by.
Glorious, celebration, awaits,
Slaughter the chocolate-covered insects.
…Mothers loving arms embrace once again.

Artist Credit: Lonely Guy on Sea Coast by Mykola Nisolovskyi (royalty-free)

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow.
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!

I and Thou – The Veggie Box

Logistics, Farmer’s Markets, Veggie Box

My younger son recently graduated from college and landed his first full-time job and apartment. Looking back, I wonder what role I played in his stick-to-itiveness attitude toward setting and, more importantly, achieving goals. It doesn’t really come as a surprise to me that he specializes in logistics. One of my favorite books was Cheaper by the Dozen, a tall telltale of time management. Time management and logistics? Hmm. I think these two are interdependent on one another. What do you think?

Goals are great if you can actually meet them. One of my goals is to eat healthily. Eating healthy has been a part of my life, except for the few years before and after college when I lived on fast food. In high school, I was on the track team. To keep up with all the practices and meets, my go-to smoothie was banana, orange juice, peanut butter, and a raw egg several times a week for an extra immune boost. I know, raw egg! I often wonder if this is why I am now allergic to eggs? My son likes to eat healthily now, too but did not when he would eat mostly macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, pizza, and cheese balls.

Rural Arkansas taught me to appreciate fresh fruits and vegetables more than I already had. It was disappointing to peruse the local farmer’s market as they offered very little fruit or vegetables. Except, of course, at the peach festival in July, but only if they had a good yield.

It was there, in rural Arkansas, in a large blue box store, that I saw for the very first time how customers placed their 12 packs of sodas and blue-colored electrolyte water bottles on the rim of their shopping carts. Mind you, most of these customers were overweight and had cookies, cakes, and lots of boxed foods in their carts. What happened to small-town good food? I was beginning to wonder. It just so happened I did survive living there, although I’m pretty sure it caused havoc on my digestive system; the mold, from a dining hall water leak, in my office wasn’t helping matters either.

It is now my son’s turn to live in a rural town and find foods that make him sparkle. Recently, he discovered the veggie box! He drives once a week to a farm and picks up a box of assorted veggies. The mystery of not knowing what is in the box makes it fun! I absolutely love when he calls to tell me about his box. The best part? We chat about what meal options he can create with said veggies. Sometimes, he takes me to the grocery store (by phone). The funniest part? He’ll ask me where an item might be, and I’ll say – it’s next to so and so – and there it will be and says to me, “How did you know that?”

Because sometimes the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow.
(This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.
Thanks so much for your support!)

I and Thou: Forgive Me

Art Credit: A Forgiving Heart by Fania Simon

Forgive Me

Forgive my crushed spirit.
Forgive my loving eyes.
Forgive my hurtful words.
Forgive my lack of attention.
Forgive my different wavelengths.
Forgive my trivial treasures.
Forgive my unmet expectations.
Forgive my passing judgments.
Forgive my lengthy inaction.
Forgive my jealous thoughts.
Forgive my coveting of others.
Forgive my impatience.
Forgive my open wounds.
Forgive my sweet gaze.

I and Thou: The Labor of a Shell

Do you ever wonder about seashells? How they form? How critical they are to our environment? After reading a few articles, seashells are very important. They are mostly calcium with a sprinkle of protein and form from mollusks. Who knew? In fact, they are so vital that it is against the law in some countries to remove them from the ocean. When I think of a seashell, I can imagine the length of refining it took for what it became rather than how it began. And that sure sounds like labor.

A friend recently posted on lifelong labor, retirement, and the meaning of life. It was a great post – so feel free to check it out.

https://www.facebook.com/robertmullinswrites

Photo Credit: Carol Leigh, “South African Turban Shell” fineartamerica.com

I commented “life is about finding meaning and the worth of existence. The word retirement needs to be thrown out the window and replaced with refocusment (I made the word up) or, perhaps even better, refinement?“

Which got me thinking about what refinement might look like. Could it possibly be the process of discovering ourselves in the bigger scheme of existence in relationship to others? If we put others first, a basic tenet of Christianity, perhaps labor would feel less like labor.

As I muddled through life, I performed an array of odd “labor.” I cut lawns, lifeguarded, and babysat so I could pay college tuition. I worked at a sporting goods store for three years too. Then, I was lucky enough to earn a college degree and start my first full-time professional job. What they didn’t teach in college was that a degree in psychology and working in education would never afford you to have any real discretionary income. But it was enough to provide food and shelter. Then, I found my knight in shining armor, or so I thought.

I had been blessed as a stay-at-home mom for nearly ten years while I raised my two boys. Most honest parents will tell you that raising kids is no picnic. But not having to dress in a corporate suit and wear heels every day was lovely. Then, I hit a rough patch of another ten years where it seemed that working was all I was doing. It sure sounded like Joseph telling the Pharoah that seven years of famine would follow seven years of abundance. (Genesis 41). I worked at a grocery store and taught pre-school to pay bills and have food on the table. At the same time, I was trying to launch a consulting firm. I did manage (by the grace of God) to pick up a few consulting gigs at fascinating places – and the best part? I didn’t have to wear heels. And then the money started to flow. My college degrees were finally paying off. I can’t imagine people who have to work to survive over the long haul.

During this almost penniless, having three dollars and forty-three cents to my name timeframe, I had to work with little time to refine. Yet perhaps that whole time spent piecing together four part-time gigs was part of the refining process. I certainly would not be the person I am today; had I not had the experience of being thrown down into a deep dark tunnel only to climb myself out of it with the help of others. Not that I wish that experience on anyone, but it was undoubtedly a testimony to my grit.

It took a village to support and encourage me to take a leap of faith—a leap to Arkansas, where I found peace and my tribe. And, if you are being pulled in a specific direction – take the leap of faith! I miss my tribe dearly – but I know they are all within me and part of the refining process. Kind of like the shell, taking years to form from cells, calcium, and proteins floating in the ocean. Yes, it takes a village; sometimes, it is one person, and at other times, it may be many people. What does your village look like?

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow, Subscribe. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post. Thanks so much for your support!)❤