Refinement – IandThouReflections

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #9

Lesson #9: Embrace Who You Are

Princess Diana was a cross between Oprah Winfrey, JK Rowling, Audrey Hepburn, and Mother Theresa. Her charismatic yet shy and soft-spoken demeanor displayed an introverted personality that magically transformed when in the limelight. Her humble, compassionate, and deep caring for the disadvantaged undoubtedly earned her a sainthood-like status. Her global presence captured her individuality, leading her to become the People’s Princess.

Diana entered the royal family as a timid and sensitive young woman and left with a strong sense of selfhood. Along the way, she expressed her individuality by sharing topics of conversation that were once taboo and then became commonplace, such as mental health, HIV/Aids, and banning landmines. Her authenticity made her all the more loveable.

Reflecting on my youth, I remember struggling with living up to high religious expectations. I couldn’t reach the bar. It was too high. Instead, I marched to a different drum. The turning point for me was my first work performance review. I finally felt seen and heard. It was a great feeling! For the first time, I felt valued and appreciated for who I was and what I could do. It gave me the confidence to be myself and pursue my passions.

However, life was not easy. After getting married and starting a family, I faced challenges and disappointments. Slowly the unrealistic expectations of a “happily ever after” and not hitting the bar eroded my self-esteem. Like waves pounding rocks into pebbles and pebbles into the sand, I, like Diana, felt insecure as my self-confidence withered away.

I turned to God and surrendered. White flag and all. My life needed to be nurtured and nourished like a garden of herbs and spices to combat the erosion it was facing. After my failed marriage, I met my life partner, and we learned to tend the garden in tandem. Together is better when two people are in sync and not in a tug-of-war.

Like Princess Diana, I learned that embracing who you are is the key to happiness. It’s important to be true to yourself and not try to live up to unrealistic expectations. By being authentic and genuine, we can inspire others to so too. Diana’s legacy continues to inspire people around the world. We can leave our own legacy by being a blessing to others by being kind, compassionate, and empathetic. By sharing our experiences and being vulnerable, we can encourage and support others who may be going through similar struggles. Doing so can create a ripple effect of positivity that can change the world, one person at a time.

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #8

Lesson #8: Be Kind

*Image Credit: David Gray / Reuters found in the Public Domain of Images*

Princess Diana was known for her kind heart and generous spirit. What small acts of kindness did Princess Diana perform? She may have been the first royal person to touch someone without gloves publicly and was the first to touch someone with HIV/AIDS. Her willingness to see eye-to-eye with her public was a gesture of warmth and kindness as the Princess frequently stooped down on her walkabouts, especially to her young fans.

To instill kindness in her sons, Princess Diana often took them to homeless shelters, hospitals, and orphanages to expose them to all sides of humanity. She did this to inspire them to help others as they matured into adulthood. Diana was indeed a “People’s Princess.”

Reflecting on kindness and my childhood, I saw random acts of kindness from my dad. Whenever he saw a friend or a neighbor walking, he would offer them a ride. My mom showed kindness when she picked up the phone from a friend in need. She would listen and provide encouragement. I often heard her do this as she would say, “A ha and hmm.”

In my first marriage, I tried to exhibit kindness, and I did so for many years. Until I broke. I could no longer be kind-hearted when I felt so downtrodden and disrespected. Children mimicking adult behavior. Poor choice of words. Poor choice of actions. I woke up and realized I had contributed to a situation where I no longer wanted to be a part. I had reached my limit of kindness. Kindness was no longer found in my home, and I could not be the glue anymore.

A kind person apologizes. A kind person tries to discover new ways to approach old wounds. A kind person is supportive. Encouraging. Loving. Life must be filled with kindness, or it no longer supplies the needed oxygen to survive.

Kindness was important for Princess Diana because it gave her a sense of purpose, happiness, and connection with others. It also makes a positive change in so many lives. In Parades, Princess Diana’s Legacy of Kindness, by Roisin Kelly, Ms. Kelly writes this about Princess Diana, “She believed that kindness was the best way to show love and compassion in a world that often suffers from the disease of feeling unloved.” And I believe it too! My life now is ruled by kindness. Kindness is the cornerstone of my marriage. My home. My relationships.

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*Written with the assistance of New Bing AI for research purposes

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #7

Lesson #7: Stand Up for What You Believe In

Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in. She used her voice to challenge the royal system and did things differently. Boy, did Diana do things differently. From breaking from the 1662 tradition of wedding vows, sending her boys to preschool, and wearing black at non-funeral events, she was a rebel in her own right.

Her subtle insistence. Her impish grin. Her brilliant mind. Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in and used her voice to advocate change. Once she realized she had a platform with the public, she wittingly raised awareness of taboo subjects such as HIV/AIDS, mental health, and banning landmines.

Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in by being a hands-on parent to her children. She went to great lengths to provide her children with “normal” kid things such as a Disney vacation, a McDonald’s happy meal, and participating in school events, such as the annual parent’s race, where Diana came in first place in 1988.** She broke royal protocol by being herself – a down-to-earth, fun-loving, jest-for-life person.

Marriage. Parenting. Divorce. Princess Diana stood up for what she believed in and lived a life where she instilled values of honesty, compassion, and kindness. She believed in fairness by fighting for a fair divorce settlement, including shared custody of her children. Diana worked tirelessly to provide a smooth transition for her children to limit the emotional damage divorce does to children. Above all else, she loved her children. She believed in them.

In reflecting on my life, standing up for what I believe in seemed to be a challenge for me. Most likely, stemming from childhood trauma. From that time forward, I felt that I had no voice. It took decades to realize these traumas impacted my relationships far more significantly than I realized then. First marriage. Parenting. Divorce. In my first marriage, I was viewing life through a particular lens. A lens that was colored. Dark. Unfocused. Unable to see the murkiness. Until one day. One day, it all came into focus. It was the day my then-husband did the unspeakable. All in a flash, I saw the truth. And pain.

I was willing to do the hard work, like Princess Diana, of speaking my truth, which enabled me to leave a broken marriage, better myself as a mother, and remarry and become the wife I was meant to be. Standing up for myself has allowed me to be free. Free from harsh words. Free from unkindness. Free from disrespect.

Like Diana, I, too, was a supportive mom to my sons in their growing-up years. I have been and always will be their best cheerleader. Princess Diana inspired millions of people around the world. I have inspired a few here and there too. Diana gradually realized she had a platform to use her voice over time as she gained more confidence as a royal. She also was “just a mom.” She used her voice to speak out against injustice and advocate change. Change in what vows are read at weddings, how we can parent and fulfill career responsibilities at the same time, and why it is necessary to have good mental health.

I am trying to be more like Diana. I speak about estrangement. It is an injustice. I want to bring awareness of how estrangement rips families apart. The other day, a Rabbi called it “psychological murder.” Although it seems harsh, I couldn’t agree more. Knowing your child lives somewhere but not exactly sure where, not having a way to tell whether he reads texts or emails, is like a slow death. Over and over. Each time the phone rings. Each time email is checked. Each time mail is retrieved from the mailbox. Will I ever hear from my son? Parents must be held accountable for alienating themselves, their children, their parents, and extended family members from others including, the other “targeted” parent. The court system must be held accountable for perpetuating broken relationships. Let’s fix it. Together. Together is better.

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*https://www.thelist.com/288119/14-times-princess-diana-broke-strict-royal-rules/
**https://www.newsweek.com/fact-check-princess-diana-break-royal-protocol-school-moms-race-1738917
Written with the assistance of new Bing AI for research purposes.

Career or Calling?

Daily writing prompt

What is your career plan?

View all responses

I spent most of my professional career as a Career Counselor. I managed a career center for a private engineering school in the Northeast, and then a decade and a half later built a career center for a small liberal arts college in the middle of the United States. In between, I raised two boys and provided consulting services to several small to medium-sized businesses in the healthcare, tourism, communications, and manufacturing industries.

Sure, I can go on and on about career assessment tools, finding and leaning into your strengths, and preparing for a job search. Yet, many of us lose sight of our calling. We have to ask ourselves, what has God called us to do? Praying will help. Taking career assessments will help. Identifying your top five strengths will help. Pray again. Ask God to show you a path. Don’t worry if you don’t hear anything. It will be revealed in God’s timing.

While consulting, I had the opportunity to serve on the Advisory Board of a Marketing Center of an academic institution. The experience pulled strings in my heart to want to return to academia. So, I started applying for jobs in the nearby area. I wasn’t getting any bites. I prayed. I said to God – “I surrender my career to you. I will go where you lead.” I then expanded the job search to the entire country and received a job offer in Arkansas. There, I had the opportunity to teach at the college level, a dream I had that only God knew.

I hope you will allow God to fulfill your dreams!

Lessons Learned from Princess Diana – Lesson #4

Lesson #4: Advocate for Children

*Source Image: Pinterest and in the Public Domain*

Princess Diana was a dedicated advocate for children. Whether at a children’s hospital, on a field of land mines, or on a walkabout, her passion was seen on her face in many photographs where she often placed a child on her lap. Princess Diana believed every child deserved a safe and happy childhood after her not-so-happy childhood, experiencing her parent’s divorce at seven. The abandonment she felt led her to deeply empathize with children who experienced trauma. Whether it was trauma from homelessness, Aids, or landmines.

As a mother, Princess Diana was hands-on. Since she knew first-hand what divorce does to a child (her), she went to great lengths to make her children feel loved and safe through her divorce from Prince Charles. She effortlessly tried to expose William and Harry to “normal” kids’ stuff, such as public schools, and wearing “commoner” clothes like jeans and t-shirts. How did the Princess do that? Spending quality time with them doing fun things such as going to amusement parks, taking vacations, and enjoying a “Happy Meal” together. It was reported on Elle.com, “She also encouraged her children to express their emotions and be open about their feelings.”

Reflecting on my advocating for children, I leaned into another direction toward education. Most of my career has been teaching or coaching students at all levels. I empathized with the underdog. The child who didn’t have a parent read books to them. Or the teenager who didn’t know how to apply to college. Or the college student who was discerning their calling in life.

As far as my mothering skills, like Princess Diana, I, too, wanted my children to have a “normal” life filled with love, security, and hope for the future. I spent endless hours planning birthday parties, shopping for the perfect selections to place into goodie bags and rejuvenating my creativity of appropriate party activities based on the party theme. That was how I loved my kids. I wonder what they remember or whether or not they cared if a lady was singing with a guitar, the bouncy house was big enough, or digging and finding dinosaur fossils in the sandbox.

The cliche of “I did the best I could” does not fit here. It seems old. Ragged. Better questions would be:

“Did I really do my best?”

“Did I do the parties for my kids?”

“Or did I do them for myself?”

“Was I subconsciously filling an unmet need?”

These are good questions to ponder this Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Written with the assistance of New Bing AI

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Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 7

Moving right along with lessons learned from Queen Elizabeth, we start by stating Lesson #7 and then referring to the previous 6 to refresh our memory.

Lesson #7: It’s Never Too Late to Turn Over a New Leaf

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality
Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol
Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for what it is can be Good for the Soul
Lesson #6: Sometimes, it Not the Words…But the Way We Say Them that Matters Most

Growing Old Gracefully

Artist Credit: Mariah Doolittle | Title: Tobacco Leaf Girl

We have seen in previous lessons how Queen Elizabeth seemed to soften as she aged. She enjoyed her grandmother’s role and could blend her queenhood with her grandmother’s function for the first time. Before this time, her life-long service to the people took precedence over all else. As her children married and had their own children, Queen Elizabeth matured as well. It was through this developmental process that she could balance her roles simultaneously. Maybe it was because she became more confident in her role. More confident as a woman. More confident as the leader of her family as well as the Monarchy.

God’s Right Arm

Queen Elizabeth believed she was anointed to her role by a higher power. For her, adhering to the church’s teachings was a duty. We saw that she denied her sister, Margaret, to marry a divorcee. And again, we noticed that in Charles and Diana’s divorce in 1996. Interesting to note that Charles’ brother Andrew was also divorced from his wife, Fergie, in 1996. Yet, Princess Diana’s tragic and unexpected death paved the way forward for Charles to comply with biblical scripture, for Charles to marry Camilla. (See Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 3.) although Camilla’s ex-husband was still alive, which negated the union. We know how that ended.

Changing with the Times

As the culture changed, so did the Queen and royal rule through a gender-neutral lens. For example, changing the Succession to the Crown Act ended the tradition of a younger male sibling superseding an older female sibling in the line of succession. The change took place in 2014. Interestingly, just months before Princess Charlotte was born.

Love One Another

When King Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry divorcee Wallis Simpson, he was treated like a pariah. So, when Harry married Meghan, we finally saw a bending of the “can’t marry a divorcee rule.” Perhaps, Queen Elizabeth realized that nothing good came from the “disowning” of a family member. Queen Elizabeth may have just discovered what true Christianity was all about. To love one another and not pass judgment.

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Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 6

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2 Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality
Lesson #4: Sometimes, it is Important to Break Protocol
Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for What it is Can be Good for the Soul

Lesson #6: Sometimes, it is Not the Words…
But the Way We Say Them that
Matters Most

The Eloquent Speaker

There is no doubt that Queen Elizabeth was an eloquent speaker. Sure, she had writers to write her speeches. Yet, her delivery was always on point. Her speeches started with a hook and were quite engaging. They were direct and pleasant to hear. She spoke with dignity and gentle softness, even when delivering bad news.

Practice Makes Perfect

Queen Elizabeth gave her first speech, the “Windsor Speech,” in 1940 when she was a princess. At Winston Churchill’s suggestion, the 14-year-old Elizabeth spent weeks practicing this radio address, whose purpose was to comfort young children sent away from their homes during World War II and, more subtly, to charm America into supporting the fight against the Nazis. According to news sources, the speech boosted the morale of the younger generation and won the support of their United States ally as well.

Hope for the World

In Queen Elizabeth’s first official speech on the evening of her Coronation in 1953, she offered hope. She did not speak of the monarchy’s power but instead of her confidence about the future. It uplifted the world, as many of her public addresses did, as they highlighted the themes of hope and her devotion to serving the people. She came across as a strong yet humble leader.

The Stiff Upper Lip

Queen Elizabeth’s relationship with Diana was mediocre at best. Queen Elizabeth was no model mother-in-law. She took the same approach to Princess Diana as to her own children. One of distance and limited involvement. When Diana asked for mental health treatment, she was denied. After all, what would the public think of a royal who couldn’t solve problems with a stiff upper lip?

The Cold Fish Starts to Thaw

When Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident, all hell broke out at Buckingham Palace. What exactly was the protocol for mourning and the funeral of an ex-wife of a Prince? There wasn’t one. Decisions about these things would have to be made post-haste. One thing was clear, the Queen had shifted into overdrive and did everything she could to help her grandsons process the tragedy in their own way and time.

Queen Elizabeth delayed speaking to the public about Princess Diana’s death. Perhaps she was taking time to process it all. At some point, she realized the necessity of delivering a formal announcement after the enormous outpouring of sympathy. Her tribute to Princess Diana displayed considerable warmth and kindness. It seemed more maternal than usual. Her tone was hopeful, trusting, and uplifting. Her delivery was heartfelt and compassionate. Even through the pain of grief, she felt for her grandsons losing their mother, she stood tall and strong.

Reflections

Contemplating the Queen’s speeches, I offer my thoughts. Queen Elizabeth represents a long line of royalty that dates back centuries. I admired her because she was anointed Queen and held the official title of “Defender of the Faith” by the Church of England. It was this mysterious religious anointing that captivated me.

Queen Elizabeth was clearly rough around the maternal edges. I don’t think “mothering” was instinctual for her, nor was it something she wanted to perfect. It almost seemed beneath her. Which left me perplexed. As there is no more noble duty than motherhood. Yet, by and large, she left the “mothering” to nannies and other royal assistants. However, once she had grandchildren, Queen Elizabeth seemed to reflect a sense of guilt or sadness about the “mothering” she had failed to offer her own children. Yet over time, Queen Elizabeth’s words and actions became more maternal as the number of her grandchildren grew. Softer. More refined and refreshingly warmer. The cold fish was finally beginning to thaw out.

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I and Thou: Pray for Renewal

Whatever your faith is, how satisfied are you with the relationships in your life? And what about those you have with the people you love? Or what about the relationships that are taking a sabbatical? How do we get these relationships back on track? It starts with YOU.

Could you use an uplifting word?
An abundant blessing?
A word of affirmation?
A word of kindness?
A word of grace?

YES!

What would it look like if we ALL prayed (or lifted us up to the Universe) each day for the next 40 days for RENEWAL? I could use some renewal – how about you?

PRAYER

O Mighty Creator of our Universe,

Touch us with your loving hand.
Show us how to give grace.
Fill us with your abundant love.
Renew each one of us.
So, we can transform our relationships,
Through the renewal of OURselves.

Amen

ASH WEDNESDAY

TODAY is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent for those of the Christian Faith.

According to LearnReligions.com:

Lent is the Christian season of spiritual preparation before Easter. In Western churches, it begins on Ash Wednesday. During Lent, many Christians observe a period of fasting, repentance, moderation, self-denial, and spiritual discipline. The purpose of the Lenten season is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ —to consider his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial, and resurrection.

I and Thou: Enduring Love

Help me to understand what will open an adult child’s heart,
To a mother who loves from the bottom of hers.

Enduring Love

Inhale, exhale, breathe
Radiant, brilliant, love…
Angelic, darling, blessing
Heartwarming, tender, love…
Soft, innocent, canvas
Soaking, smothering, love…
Tantrums, reasoning, scolding
Defiance, anger, love…
One sided, myopic, headstrong
Dagger, piercing, love…
Words, spoken, unspoken
Heartbroken, apologetic, love…
Emotions, escalating, uncontrollable
Turmoil, conflict, love…
Exposure, external, culture
Influential, distant, love…
Literal, physical, separation
Wretched, incomplete, love…
Conjectures, puzzles, confusion
Murky, respectful, love…
Reflections, introspection, self-identity
Safety, security, love…
Vulnerable, open, inviting
Reparations, acceptance, love…
Changing, growing, maturing
Compassionate, enduring, love.

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I and Thou: Lavender & Time

Hustling, bustling, weary with achy soles,
Massage and soothe our inner souls.

Sprinkle us with lavender and thyme,
As we enter into this sacred time.

Instead of focusing on wrapping presents,
Prepare us to enter a holy presence.

Frail, empty, lost, and weak,
Guide us through another week.

Fill the hallowed, dark hole,
Repair the damage to make us whole.

Restore our hearts piece by piece,
And grant us never-ending peace.

Image Credit: Lankford Associates Landscape Architects