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What is National Reconciliation Day, and why must we spread the word?
First, National Reconciliation Day brings awareness to the brokenness of relationships around us. What would it look like if estranged young adult children knew there was a day to think about reconnecting with a parent they haven’t spoken to for years?
Second, by spreading the word, people will start thinking about their relationships or perhaps about someone they know who may need to reconcile.
Here is information from another post:
National Reconciliation Day, which is on April 2nd each year, urges us to repair relationships that have been damaged through hurtful words or actions. While many different “Days of Reconciliation” are held worldwide, this observance occurs each year on April 2nd.
“Two Estranged Friends Renew Their Argument,” by Patrick O’Donnell. 2011, (photographed by Jeff Dykes – Edited by Anonymous).
Estrangement is Stressful – Part 1
Deviating from the norm of this blog, writings will be shared over the next few weeks to bring light and hope to families experiencing the gut-wrenching experience of estrangement. Estrangement is when one person stops speaking and responding to another person. It could be siblings. It could be friends. It could be extended family members. It could be a child from a parent. In these writings, over the next few weeks, the focus will be on the experience of a mother whose son went “no contact” to her and her family. The original article of The 8 Stages of Estrangement can be found on this blog, dated April 2022. This year includes how a child may feel from their perspective to bring awareness to both sides of estrangement.
The 8 Stages of Estrangement Looking at Both Sides of a Coin
Introduction
Estrangement is not normal, so the rules of normalcy do not apply. There are eight stages of estrangement. For this series of writings, a child refers to any child at any age, including teenagers, young adults, and older adult children. The estrangement in this writing is from a personal experience, a mother from a son. The audience of these writings is “good-enough” parents and children. Not children raised by parents who suffered from addictions were alcoholics or regularly abused their children. Nor to parents who raised mentally ill children, drug addicts, or who were excessively abusive. These words are offered to middle- to upper-middle-class families who, for no apparent reason other than divorce, caused a child to abandon one or both of their parents.
I know the depth of my love for my child and the void in my heart. I feel the intensity of pain that never seems to go away. I ask myself why? Why me? Why my child?
A parent’s perspective
Estrangement is loss. It is grief. It is a relationship that once was and is no longer.
I finally feel free! I no longer have to deal with my crazy mother. My father told me she was crazy and she sure was! She smothered me. I couldn’t breathe. I felt forced into so many activities, I was exhausted.
A child’s perspective
These writings will use the five stages of grief as a springboard to define the estrangement process. There is plenty of information on the internet regarding grief. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, experiencing what she describes as five stages of grief, regardless of order or even vacillating between each one, will lead to healing. Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief are:
In estrangement, similar components are necessary for dealing with, healing, and moving forward. These stages can be interchangeable and ebb and flow between, forward, and backward from each of the eight steps. This process can take years or even decades to complete in estrangement. The eight stages of estrangement (from the parent’s perspective) are:
1. Denial 2. Acceptance Part I 3. Rejection 4. Shame & Blame 5. Anger 6. Acceptance Part II 7. Fear 8. Healing
From the child’s perspective, the one who is doing the estranging are:
1. Shame & Blame 2. Rejection 3. Anger 4. Acceptance Part 1 5. Denial/Rationalization 6. Fear 7. Acceptance Part 2 8. Healing
Author’s Note: Estrangement caused me to feel unloved, and I knew I needed to love myself before I could love others again. From my experience in participating in support groups with other estranged parents, there is a choice to make. You can choose to blame, distrust, and be bitter. Or, you can choose to love and heal yourself, from this incredibly harrowing experience, by opening up to others. It’s up to you. A special thank you to Kathryn Kollowa, EdD, MSN, RN for her feedback and added insights incorporated in this most recent update.
If you gained insight into estrangement, please like and comment. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.)
Moving right along with lessons learned from Queen Elizabeth, we start by stating Lesson #7 and then referring to the previous 6 to refresh our memory.
Lesson #7: It’s Never Too Late to Turn Over a New Leaf
Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for what it is can be Good for the Soul Lesson #6: Sometimes, it Not the Words…But the Way We Say Them that Matters Most
Growing Old Gracefully
Artist Credit: Mariah Doolittle | Title: Tobacco Leaf Girl
We have seen in previous lessons how Queen Elizabeth seemed to soften as she aged. She enjoyed her grandmother’s role and could blend her queenhood with her grandmother’s function for the first time. Before this time, her life-long service to the people took precedence over all else. As her children married and had their own children, Queen Elizabeth matured as well. It was through this developmental process that she could balance her roles simultaneously. Maybe it was because she became more confident in her role. More confident as a woman. More confident as the leader of her family as well as the Monarchy.
God’s Right Arm
Queen Elizabeth believed she was anointed to her role by a higher power. For her, adhering to the church’s teachings was a duty. We saw that she denied her sister, Margaret, to marry a divorcee. And again, we noticed that in Charles and Diana’s divorce in 1996. Interesting to note that Charles’ brother Andrew was also divorced from his wife, Fergie, in 1996. Yet, Princess Diana’s tragic and unexpected death paved the way forward for Charles to comply with biblical scripture, for Charles to marry Camilla. (See Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 3.) although Camilla’s ex-husband was still alive, which negated the union. We know how that ended.
Changing with the Times
As the culture changed, so did the Queen and royal rule through a gender-neutral lens. For example, changing the Succession to the Crown Act ended the tradition of a younger male sibling superseding an older female sibling in the line of succession. The change took place in 2014. Interestingly, just months before Princess Charlotte was born.
Love One Another
When King Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry divorcee Wallis Simpson, he was treated like a pariah. So, when Harry married Meghan, we finally saw a bending of the “can’t marry a divorcee rule.” Perhaps, Queen Elizabeth realized that nothing good came from the “disowning” of a family member. Queen Elizabeth may have just discovered what true Christianity was all about. To love one another and not pass judgment.
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Adult children are estranging from members of their families (siblings and/or parents and not to mention extended family members) at an alarming rate. I am not talking about abusive, toxic, or those with addictions. I am speaking about parents who were “good enough” mothers and/or fathers. The ones who drove their kids to school made lunches daily and registered them for after-school activities.
No matter how short the estrangement has been, both parties have grown and changed. There may be space for radical acceptance. Help us spread the word that it is OKAY to reach out and attempt to reconnect with a loved one.
Let’s get proactive!
Spread the news, so estranged children see this message.
APRIL 2 IS NATIONAL RECONCILIATION DAY
What is National Reconciliation Day, and why must we spread the word?
First, National Reconciliation Day brings awareness to the brokenness of relationships around us. What would it look like if our ECs knew there was a day to think about reconnecting with us? Please share this information broadly.
Second, by spreading the word, people will start thinking about their relationships or perhaps about someone they know who may need to reconcile.
Here is information from another post:
National Reconciliation Day, which is on April 2nd each year, urges us to repair relationships that have been damaged through hurtful words or actions. While many different “Days of Reconciliation” are held worldwide, this observance occurs each year on April 2nd.
HOW TO OBSERVE National Reconciliation Day
Take that step and make amends.
It’s not too late. Reach out to that friend or loved one and make a fresh start.
Accept the olive branch when it is offered.
Share your experiences of reconciliation.
RECONCILIATION FAQ
Q. How does one reconcile with another?
A. It may seem like a challenging task. Fear and bitterness often prevent us from taking the necessary steps. One of the best ways is simply by offering an invitation for coffee. Choose a neutral place to talk. Sometimes it takes an apology but don’t expect one. It’s more important to repair the relationship than to dredge up history. Another simple way is to reach out by text, phone, or email.
Q. What gets in the way of reconciliation?
A. There are many reasons why reconciliation fails. Some of them include the following:
Pride
Lack of forgiveness
Lack of perspective
Resentment
Living in the past
Please share with everyone you can. Let’s get this on social media, TikTok, Instagram, Reddit, and Twitter. Ask Libraries, schools-colleges, and Churches to put up posters………. If you google National Reconciliation Day, you will find lots of information.
Spirit waved a magic wand, Angelic voices faintly whispered.
In the breeze flowers swayed, Intense glances warmly welcomed.
Hummingbirds sipped on nectar, Insects fully fed on pollen.
Attracted to one another, Perfectly paired in symbiotic dance.
If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget. Thanks so much for your support!)
Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well Lesson #2 Mothers Don’t Always Know Best Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality Lesson #4: Sometimes, it is Important to Break Protocol Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for What it is Can be Good for the Soul
Lesson #6: Sometimes, it is Not the Words… But the Way We Say Them that Matters Most
The Eloquent Speaker
There is no doubt that Queen Elizabeth was an eloquent speaker. Sure, she had writers to write her speeches. Yet, her delivery was always on point. Her speeches started with a hook and were quite engaging. They were direct and pleasant to hear. She spoke with dignity and gentle softness, even when delivering bad news.
Practice Makes Perfect
Queen Elizabeth gave her first speech, the “Windsor Speech,” in 1940 when she was a princess. At Winston Churchill’s suggestion, the 14-year-old Elizabeth spent weeks practicing this radio address, whose purpose was to comfort young children sent away from their homes during World War II and, more subtly, to charm America into supporting the fight against the Nazis. According to news sources, the speech boosted the morale of the younger generation and won the support of their United States ally as well.
Hope for the World
In Queen Elizabeth’s first official speech on the evening of her Coronation in 1953, she offered hope. She did not speak of the monarchy’s power but instead of her confidence about the future. It uplifted the world, as many of her public addresses did, as they highlighted the themes of hope and her devotion to serving the people. She came across as a strong yet humble leader.
The Stiff Upper Lip
Queen Elizabeth’s relationship with Diana was mediocre at best. Queen Elizabeth was no model mother-in-law. She took the same approach to Princess Diana as to her own children. One of distance and limited involvement. When Diana asked for mental health treatment, she was denied. After all, what would the public think of a royal who couldn’t solve problems with a stiff upper lip?
The Cold Fish Starts to Thaw
When Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident, all hell broke out at Buckingham Palace. What exactly was the protocol for mourning and the funeral of an ex-wife of a Prince? There wasn’t one. Decisions about these things would have to be made post-haste. One thing was clear, the Queen had shifted into overdrive and did everything she could to help her grandsons process the tragedy in their own way and time.
Queen Elizabeth delayed speaking to the public about Princess Diana’s death. Perhaps she was taking time to process it all. At some point, she realized the necessity of delivering a formal announcement after the enormous outpouring of sympathy. Her tribute to Princess Diana displayed considerable warmth and kindness. It seemed more maternal than usual. Her tone was hopeful, trusting, and uplifting. Her delivery was heartfelt and compassionate. Even through the pain of grief, she felt for her grandsons losing their mother, she stood tall and strong.
Reflections
Contemplating the Queen’s speeches, I offer my thoughts. Queen Elizabeth represents a long line of royalty that dates back centuries. I admired her because she was anointed Queen and held the official title of “Defender of the Faith” by the Church of England. It was this mysterious religious anointing that captivated me.
Queen Elizabeth was clearly rough around the maternal edges. I don’t think “mothering” was instinctual for her, nor was it something she wanted to perfect. It almost seemed beneath her. Which left me perplexed. As there is no more noble duty than motherhood. Yet, by and large, she left the “mothering” to nannies and other royal assistants. However, once she had grandchildren, Queen Elizabeth seemed to reflect a sense of guilt or sadness about the “mothering” she had failed to offer her own children. Yet over time, Queen Elizabeth’s words and actions became more maternal as the number of her grandchildren grew. Softer. More refined and refreshingly warmer. The cold fish was finally beginning to thaw out.
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Whatever your faith is, how satisfied are you with the relationships in your life? And what about those you have with the people you love? Or what about the relationships that are taking a sabbatical? How do we get these relationships back on track? It starts with YOU.
Image Source: Unknown
Could you use an uplifting word? An abundant blessing? A word of affirmation? A word of kindness? A word of grace?
YES!
What would it look like if we ALL prayed (or lifted us up to the Universe) each day for the next 40 days for RENEWAL? I could use some renewal – how about you?
PRAYER
O Mighty Creator of our Universe,
Touch us with your loving hand. Show us how to give grace. Fill us with your abundant love. Renew each one of us. So, we can transform our relationships, Through the renewal of OURselves.
Amen
ASH WEDNESDAY
TODAY is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent for those of the Christian Faith.
According to LearnReligions.com:
Lent is the Christian season of spiritual preparation before Easter. In Western churches, it begins on Ash Wednesday. During Lent, many Christians observe a period of fasting, repentance, moderation, self-denial, and spiritual discipline. The purpose of the Lenten season is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ —to consider his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial, and resurrection.
Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol
Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for What it is Can be Good for the Soul
Divorce Times Two
Camilla and Andrew’s marriage ended in 1995. The Prince and Princess of Wales’s union officially ended in 1996. As in most families of divorce, it is most difficult on the children. Camilla’s children, a son and a daughter were a bit older at 17 and 20, and hopefully, they weathered it as best they could. Divorce is never easy on children, no matter what their age. Prince William was 14, and Prince Harry was 11. A very rough period for boys in an intact family, let alone a divorced one. Not to mention the under-the-microscope life they live for the world to see. When you think of it, Diana’s death one year later, in 1997, would be enough to throw anyone off the train tracks. That was an enormous amount of loss and stress.
Charles & Camilla…Finally!
These two divorces cleared the way for Prince Charles to finally be with Camilla, the woman he had loved all along. It was no surprise that Prince Charles would marry Camilla with or without the Queen’s blessing. They wed in 2005.
The Blended Family
By then, Prince William was 23, and Prince Harry was 21. It is easy to imagine the two young men emotionally carrying the burdens of being in a broken family.
The twenties are a time of “dynamic shifts for a young man,” per Susan Winter. She continues, “His whole world is opening up, and therefore, he’s unsettled.”
Blended families require extra patience and understanding. And a bit of family therapy too! Does love win? Maybe, maybe not. In the case of Prince Charles, his love for Diana lessened as his love for Camilla grew as time marched on. We know that his love for Camilla endured the test of time.
Love
Art by Kirsten Kosa [etsy]
So, you see, my kind, gentle readers, love plays a significant role in our lives. It helps us to be better people. A lesson we can all learn from Queen Elizabeth is her acceptance of Prince Charles and Camilla. If Queen Elizabeth can go from calling Camilla the “wicked woman” to the “Queen Consort,” reconciliations are in the realm of possibilities for you too!
After decades of scandal, Queen Elizabeth seemed to apologize to Camilla by appointing her as the Royal Lady of the Most Noble Order of the Garter. Yes, it was quite a reversal – wouldn’t you say? Perhaps it was Queen Elizabeth’s way of saying that she was accepting Camilla for the woman she was and that she was a woman who loved her son. In the case of Charles and Camilla, love won. But sometimes, there is a high price to pay for it.
Love with all your heart.
Value your relationships…they are worth more than gold and can be sweeter than chocolate.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget.)
If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post and often forget. Thanks so much for your support!)
IandThouReflections 