IandThouReflections

April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 3

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From a Parent’s Perspective

Stage 2 | Acceptance Part 1

Once the denial phase is over, a parent begins to accept the concept of estrangement. A parent first seeks to understand the growing number of estranged parent-child relationships by scouring the internet for possible resources. A parent may not even know how commonplace it is and can quickly become an expert on the topic realizing other parents have encountered a similar situation. In this Acceptance Part 1 step, a parent acknowledges that the parent-child relationship has changed. Often, family and friends ask why did this happen? Or, what caused this estrangement?

I’m starting to realize that my child is not speaking to me. At all. He won’t even look at me from afar. What have I done to deserve this punishment? I take a deep breath and I start to believe that my child has deliberately estranged from me. I don’t know why. But I have to come to terms with it. I am so sad for my child that they think this is the only course of action. What makes them so afraid of me that they can’t even talk to me?
A parent’s perspective

This stage is confusing for all parties because the estranged parent is just starting to come to terms with the reality of the lost relationship. Parents need clarification. They don’t know the answers. And these questions may very well trigger sadness. Anger. Emotions come out of nowhere. Accepting the estrangement, even on a superficial level, exposes it, which leads to feeling very vulnerable. Daily living becomes muddled. Parents feel a sense of imbalance and try to come to face the loss. This can invoke feelings of worthlessness.

It is best to support parents going through this experience at this stage. Sit with them. Hold their hand. Give them a hug. Silence may be golden. At this point, reconnection can become an obsession. A parent attempts to discover the reasons for the estrangement and remains hopeful for reconciliation. During this stage, a parent realizes that the relationship that once was is no longer. Coming to terms with this acceptance leads to rejection. Furthermore, feeling both accepting of the situation and rejection by it simultaneously is quite common.

*The ghost of a loved one by Chirila Corina fineart.com*

From a Child’s Perspective

Stage 2 | Rejection

Children reject a parent. Maybe both parents. This is the stage where a child shuts down. They are rejecting life as they know it. Whether it is from a misperceived conversation, different ideologies, divorce, or a loss of a parent. They want to be alone. They retreat. They start having trouble focusing on work or school. They really want to be somewhere else. They feel trapped because there may be no other place to turn. Children at this stage may look forward to becoming more independent, so they can further reject their current situation.

To put it simply: the emotional exhaustion of trying to reason with someone who isn’t existing on the same page as I am. Trying to reason or share or grow with someone who cannot or will not see outside of their own perspective is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer over and over; you know it isn’t good, but you feel stuck. Until you get tired of being stuck. You begin to reject the relationship because it is too much of an emotional drain.
A child’s perspective

At this stage, a child may be influenced by the other parent, a peer, their spouse, or another significant person. The third-party encourages the estrangement. The person who is doing the estranging feels guilty. At the same time, they feel rejected. In other words, they feel abandoned by the parent; therefore, they are leaving the parent. Most children do not verbalize these feelings, so it catches the parent off-guard. The child may have been thinking about estrangement for many years. It gradually does become a reality.

Author’s Note: Estrangement caused me to feel unloved, and I knew I needed to love myself before I could love others again. From my experience in participating in support groups with other estranged parents, there is a choice to make. You can choose to blame, distrust, and be bitter. Or, you can choose to love and heal yourself, from this incredibly harrowing experience, by opening up to others. It’s up to you. A special thank you to Kathryn Kollowa, EdD, MSN, RN for her feedback and added insights incorporated in this most recent update.

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April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 2

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

From a Parent’s Perspective

Stage 1 | Denial

Denial is not believing a situation exists. It is pretending that the estrangement is not real and hoping it will disappear. Surely, a child cannot estrange themselves from a parent. What type of child would do that? Denial is a normal response and is the path of least resistance. It is typically short-term. Denial is a defense mechanism wishing the estrangement is not absolute, and normalcy will return. It can include feelings of shock or bewilderment. Eventually, acceptance of the situation replaces denial, whether the parent likes it or not. In death, denial does not want to believe a loved one has passed on from this world onto the next. However, in estrangement, the loved one vanishes into unknown territory. Once parents understand that estrangement is part of their reality, Acceptance Part 1 begins.

My son blocked me from social media and stopped communicating. He was sixteen. I had just separated from his father. I tried endlessly to reconnect to no avail. At the time, I had no idea that this behavior would last this long. I thought it was temporary. Where did my son go? Ten-plus years later, other than the separation and divorce, I still do not know what triggered the estrangement.
A parent’s perspective

Shame Art Print by Haufi Ficoure available at Society 6

From a Child’s Perspective

Stage 1| Shame & Blame

Estrangement begins when a child questions their existence within their family structure. They ask themselves, why am I here? Children feel shame. They blame themselves for their family’s struggles and hardships. They may see their parents on two different pages. In this beginning stage of estrangement, children start fantasizing about leaving the family or, at minimum, stop talking to one, if not both, of their parents. They are internalizing their emotions and not being allowed to share their feelings safely. Or they don’t have the tools necessary to think through their feelings constructively. They feel threatened. They blame their parents. They blame the school system. They blame politics. They blame science. They blame religion. Lots of blame to go around. Therefore, in their minds, leaving or blocking communication solves the immediate threat.

My mom and dad fought endlessly. I was young and couldn’t really process what was happening. I felt it was my fault. I blamed myself, and I wanted the whole situation to just go away. It felt like I was living in a nightmare. I wrote in a letter to my mother if she signed the divorce papers, I wouldn’t speak to her again. Ten-plus years later, I had no idea that my father was the one who filed for divorce.
A child’s perspective

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Today is National Reconciliation Day!

Hello? Is anyone home?
Go Ahead…Call or Text & Say Hello

What is National Reconciliation Day, and why must we spread the word?

First, National Reconciliation Day brings awareness to the brokenness of relationships around us. What would it look like if estranged young adult children knew there was a day to think about reconnecting with a parent they haven’t spoken to for years?

Second, by spreading the word, people will start thinking about their relationships or perhaps about someone they know who may need to reconcile.

Here is information from another post:

National Reconciliation Day, which is on April 2nd each year, urges us to repair relationships that have been damaged through hurtful words or actions. While many different “Days of Reconciliation” are held worldwide, this observance occurs each year on April 2nd.

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April is Stress Awareness Month – Part 1

*“Two Estranged Friends Renew Their Argument,” by Patrick O’Donnell. 2011, (photographed by Jeff Dykes – Edited by Anonymous).*

Estrangement is Stressful – Part 1

Deviating from the norm of this blog, writings will be shared over the next few weeks to bring light and hope to families experiencing the gut-wrenching experience of estrangement. Estrangement is when one person stops speaking and responding to another person. It could be siblings. It could be friends. It could be extended family members. It could be a child from a parent. In these writings, over the next few weeks, the focus will be on the experience of a mother whose son went “no contact” to her and her family. The original article of The 8 Stages of Estrangement can be found on this blog, dated April 2022. This year includes how a child may feel from their perspective to bring awareness to both sides of estrangement.

The 8 Stages of Estrangement
Looking at Both Sides of a Coin

Introduction

Estrangement is not normal, so the rules of normalcy do not apply. There are eight stages of estrangement. For this series of writings, a child refers to any child at any age, including teenagers, young adults, and older adult children. The estrangement in this writing is from a personal experience, a mother from a son. The audience of these writings is “good-enough” parents and children. Not children raised by parents who suffered from addictions were alcoholics or regularly abused their children. Nor to parents who raised mentally ill children, drug addicts, or who were excessively abusive. These words are offered to middle- to upper-middle-class families who, for no apparent reason other than divorce, caused a child to abandon one or both of their parents.

I know the depth of my love for my child and the void in my heart. I feel the intensity of pain that never seems to go away.
I ask myself why?
Why me?
Why my child?
A parent’s perspective

Estrangement is loss. It is grief. It is a relationship that once was and is no longer.

I finally feel free!
I no longer have to deal with my crazy mother.
My father told me she was crazy and she sure was!
She smothered me.
I couldn’t breathe.
I felt forced into so many activities, I was exhausted.
A child’s perspective

These writings will use the five stages of grief as a springboard to define the estrangement process. There is plenty of information on the internet regarding grief. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, experiencing what she describes as five stages of grief, regardless of order or even vacillating between each one, will lead to healing. Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

In estrangement, similar components are necessary for dealing with, healing, and moving forward. These stages can be interchangeable and ebb and flow between, forward, and backward from each of the eight steps. This process can take years or even decades to complete in estrangement. The eight stages of estrangement (from the parent’s perspective) are:

1. Denial
2. Acceptance Part I
3. Rejection
4. Shame & Blame
5. Anger
6. Acceptance Part II
7. Fear
8. Healing

From the child’s perspective, the one who is doing the estranging are:

1. Shame & Blame
2. Rejection
3. Anger
4. Acceptance Part 1
5. Denial/Rationalization
6. Fear
7. Acceptance Part 2
8. Healing

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Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 7

Moving right along with lessons learned from Queen Elizabeth, we start by stating Lesson #7 and then referring to the previous 6 to refresh our memory.

Lesson #7: It’s Never Too Late to Turn Over a New Leaf

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2: Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality
Lesson #4: Sometimes it is Important to Break Protocol
Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for what it is can be Good for the Soul
Lesson #6: Sometimes, it Not the Words…But the Way We Say Them that Matters Most

Growing Old Gracefully

Artist Credit: Mariah Doolittle | Title: Tobacco Leaf Girl

We have seen in previous lessons how Queen Elizabeth seemed to soften as she aged. She enjoyed her grandmother’s role and could blend her queenhood with her grandmother’s function for the first time. Before this time, her life-long service to the people took precedence over all else. As her children married and had their own children, Queen Elizabeth matured as well. It was through this developmental process that she could balance her roles simultaneously. Maybe it was because she became more confident in her role. More confident as a woman. More confident as the leader of her family as well as the Monarchy.

God’s Right Arm

Queen Elizabeth believed she was anointed to her role by a higher power. For her, adhering to the church’s teachings was a duty. We saw that she denied her sister, Margaret, to marry a divorcee. And again, we noticed that in Charles and Diana’s divorce in 1996. Interesting to note that Charles’ brother Andrew was also divorced from his wife, Fergie, in 1996. Yet, Princess Diana’s tragic and unexpected death paved the way forward for Charles to comply with biblical scripture, for Charles to marry Camilla. (See Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 3.) although Camilla’s ex-husband was still alive, which negated the union. We know how that ended.

Changing with the Times

As the culture changed, so did the Queen and royal rule through a gender-neutral lens. For example, changing the Succession to the Crown Act ended the tradition of a younger male sibling superseding an older female sibling in the line of succession. The change took place in 2014. Interestingly, just months before Princess Charlotte was born.

Love One Another

When King Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry divorcee Wallis Simpson, he was treated like a pariah. So, when Harry married Meghan, we finally saw a bending of the “can’t marry a divorcee rule.” Perhaps, Queen Elizabeth realized that nothing good came from the “disowning” of a family member. Queen Elizabeth may have just discovered what true Christianity was all about. To love one another and not pass judgment.

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National Reconciliation Day

is
April 2!

Adult children are estranging from members of their families (siblings and/or parents and not to mention extended family members) at an alarming rate. I am not talking about abusive, toxic, or those with addictions. I am speaking about parents who were “good enough” mothers and/or fathers. The ones who drove their kids to school made lunches daily and registered them for after-school activities.

No matter how short the estrangement has been, both parties have grown and changed. There may be space for radical acceptance. Help us spread the word that it is OKAY to reach out and attempt to reconnect with a loved one.

Let’s get proactive!

Spread the news, so estranged children see this message.

APRIL 2 IS NATIONAL RECONCILIATION DAY

What is National Reconciliation Day, and why must we spread the word?

First, National Reconciliation Day brings awareness to the brokenness of relationships around us. What would it look like if our ECs knew there was a day to think about reconnecting with us? Please share this information broadly.

Second, by spreading the word, people will start thinking about their relationships or perhaps about someone they know who may need to reconcile.

Here is information from another post:

HOW TO OBSERVE National Reconciliation Day

Take that step and make amends.
It’s not too late. Reach out to that friend or loved one and make a fresh start.
Accept the olive branch when it is offered.
Share your experiences of reconciliation.

RECONCILIATION FAQ

Q. How does one reconcile with another?

A. It may seem like a challenging task. Fear and bitterness often prevent us from taking the necessary steps. One of the best ways is simply by offering an invitation for coffee. Choose a neutral place to talk. Sometimes it takes an apology but don’t expect one. It’s more important to repair the relationship than to dredge up history. Another simple way is to reach out by text, phone, or email.

Q. What gets in the way of reconciliation?

A. There are many reasons why reconciliation fails. Some of them include the following:

Pride
Lack of forgiveness
Lack of perspective
Resentment
Living in the past

Please share with everyone you can. Let’s get this on social media, TikTok, Instagram, Reddit, and Twitter. Ask Libraries, schools-colleges, and Churches to put up posters………. If you google National Reconciliation Day, you will find lots of information.

All it might take is a cup of coffee!!!

Or a text???

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I and Thou: Spirit of the Dance

Artist Credit:
*Flying Hummingbird by Olha Darchuk*

Spirit of the Dance

Spirit waved a magic wand,
Angelic voices faintly whispered.

In the breeze flowers swayed,
Intense glances warmly welcomed.

Hummingbirds sipped on nectar,
Insects fully fed on pollen.

Attracted to one another,
Perfectly paired in symbiotic dance.

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I and Thou: Ode to the Llama

Ode to the Llama

Listening quietly to the stillness of the night,
his slender, long legs nestle underneath his body.

Searching for the soft wool of his llama friend,
his long neck extends outward, nuzzling to find a place to lay his head.

Content and feeling safe in his herd,
sleeping soundly and waking refreshed.

The sunshine kisses him with a warm glow,
he is ready to start the day.

His charisma charms the ladies,
they find him loveable and easy to talk to.

Peace runs through his veins,
seeking harmony with all those around him.

Anxiety and stress cause him to hiss, spit, and kick,
as does intimidation and feeling threatened.

He settles down with a gentle word,
empathy oozes out of his heart.

Humans can be pretty similar to llamas,
yearning too for a kind and caring world.

Lessons Learned from Queen Elizabeth – Part 6

Lesson #1: Duty and Love Rarely Mix Well
Lesson #2 Mothers Don’t Always Know Best
Lesson #3: There is a Big Difference Between Illusions, Delusions, and Reality
Lesson #4: Sometimes, it is Important to Break Protocol
Lesson #5: Accepting a Situation for What it is Can be Good for the Soul

Lesson #6: Sometimes, it is Not the Words…
But the Way We Say Them that
Matters Most

The Eloquent Speaker

There is no doubt that Queen Elizabeth was an eloquent speaker. Sure, she had writers to write her speeches. Yet, her delivery was always on point. Her speeches started with a hook and were quite engaging. They were direct and pleasant to hear. She spoke with dignity and gentle softness, even when delivering bad news.

Practice Makes Perfect

Queen Elizabeth gave her first speech, the “Windsor Speech,” in 1940 when she was a princess. At Winston Churchill’s suggestion, the 14-year-old Elizabeth spent weeks practicing this radio address, whose purpose was to comfort young children sent away from their homes during World War II and, more subtly, to charm America into supporting the fight against the Nazis. According to news sources, the speech boosted the morale of the younger generation and won the support of their United States ally as well.

Hope for the World

In Queen Elizabeth’s first official speech on the evening of her Coronation in 1953, she offered hope. She did not speak of the monarchy’s power but instead of her confidence about the future. It uplifted the world, as many of her public addresses did, as they highlighted the themes of hope and her devotion to serving the people. She came across as a strong yet humble leader.

The Stiff Upper Lip

Queen Elizabeth’s relationship with Diana was mediocre at best. Queen Elizabeth was no model mother-in-law. She took the same approach to Princess Diana as to her own children. One of distance and limited involvement. When Diana asked for mental health treatment, she was denied. After all, what would the public think of a royal who couldn’t solve problems with a stiff upper lip?

The Cold Fish Starts to Thaw

When Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident, all hell broke out at Buckingham Palace. What exactly was the protocol for mourning and the funeral of an ex-wife of a Prince? There wasn’t one. Decisions about these things would have to be made post-haste. One thing was clear, the Queen had shifted into overdrive and did everything she could to help her grandsons process the tragedy in their own way and time.

Queen Elizabeth delayed speaking to the public about Princess Diana’s death. Perhaps she was taking time to process it all. At some point, she realized the necessity of delivering a formal announcement after the enormous outpouring of sympathy. Her tribute to Princess Diana displayed considerable warmth and kindness. It seemed more maternal than usual. Her tone was hopeful, trusting, and uplifting. Her delivery was heartfelt and compassionate. Even through the pain of grief, she felt for her grandsons losing their mother, she stood tall and strong.

Reflections

Contemplating the Queen’s speeches, I offer my thoughts. Queen Elizabeth represents a long line of royalty that dates back centuries. I admired her because she was anointed Queen and held the official title of “Defender of the Faith” by the Church of England. It was this mysterious religious anointing that captivated me.

Queen Elizabeth was clearly rough around the maternal edges. I don’t think “mothering” was instinctual for her, nor was it something she wanted to perfect. It almost seemed beneath her. Which left me perplexed. As there is no more noble duty than motherhood. Yet, by and large, she left the “mothering” to nannies and other royal assistants. However, once she had grandchildren, Queen Elizabeth seemed to reflect a sense of guilt or sadness about the “mothering” she had failed to offer her own children. Yet over time, Queen Elizabeth’s words and actions became more maternal as the number of her grandchildren grew. Softer. More refined and refreshingly warmer. The cold fish was finally beginning to thaw out.

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I and Thou: Pray for Renewal

Whatever your faith is, how satisfied are you with the relationships in your life? And what about those you have with the people you love? Or what about the relationships that are taking a sabbatical? How do we get these relationships back on track? It starts with YOU.

Could you use an uplifting word?
An abundant blessing?
A word of affirmation?
A word of kindness?
A word of grace?

YES!

What would it look like if we ALL prayed (or lifted us up to the Universe) each day for the next 40 days for RENEWAL? I could use some renewal – how about you?

PRAYER

O Mighty Creator of our Universe,

Touch us with your loving hand.
Show us how to give grace.
Fill us with your abundant love.
Renew each one of us.
So, we can transform our relationships,
Through the renewal of OURselves.

Amen

ASH WEDNESDAY

TODAY is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent for those of the Christian Faith.

According to LearnReligions.com:

Lent is the Christian season of spiritual preparation before Easter. In Western churches, it begins on Ash Wednesday. During Lent, many Christians observe a period of fasting, repentance, moderation, self-denial, and spiritual discipline. The purpose of the Lenten season is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ —to consider his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial, and resurrection.